I am so weak.

I showed emotion....it happens to be a real bad emotion for me. I totally lost it at rehearsal last night.  Let me tell you, it wasn't pretty at all.  I told myself that I was going to be as good as last year and try not to let myself have a breakdown like I had tonight.

So much for that idea.

I had not had a good day as it is, and things just started to go wrong for me at every turn.  Finally, after I almost killed susan with the door to the dressing room, I totally broke down.  The stress of school, the muscal, family problems that had been building up for months like a huge weight on my shoulders came crashing down on me, and out came the waterworks.

I should have held it in until I got home.  Until no one could have seen or heard me.  I should of kept a happy face on the whole night.  I can actually put that facade on pretty well.  I should have at least run somewhere so nobody could have seen me cry.  Like the bathroom for instance.

I don't want attention like that.  If I get any at all, I want it to be for something, good and/or productive that I do.  I look absolutely horrible when I cry.

I showed a side of me I don't like people to see. 


lets hope today's better



and......when we break the set down, I am going to KILL that tree/bush/crate thats caused me so much pain BY MYSELF....if they let me. 

I feel like I'm pulling away from people.   I feel like I want to withdraw....Im definately not having as much fun as I was having a cuople of weeks ago with the musical...and school has just become a day where I have classes.  I don't even feel like talking to people much.  Whats the matter with me???   All I want is to go back to a couple of weeks ago, when I felt happier.   I don't even know whats going on!   I haven't talked to some people in days, and I usually talk to them non stop!  It's like I'm not even here, because I'm not co-existing with others!  I've be come a fricken hermit!  I just don't know whats going on with me.  It's like I'm somebody else.  I'm trapped inside myslef, screaming to get out, but I'm not listening.  I'm just....."going through the motions"

If only if only the woodpecker sighs....
so...I'm waiting for my mom to finish cooking dinner, we eat, and then....DUN DUN DUN BASKETBALL GAMEEEEE!!!! I can't wait to knock the pants off of St. Thomas.  It's going to be mega-fun.

    Anyway, I actually had a good day today....really I did. I found out that I actually got an acceptable grade on my last test in math.  Its the best grade I've had all year in that class.  I also got a perfect score on my oral in italian!  I was so pumped after that! So, today, overall....a not so bad day.  To be honest, one of the best I've had in weeks.  Even rehearsal went well for me(even though I had to leave early to go eat and get ready for my basketball game)  

to change the subject, I'll tell you one thing, because I haven't ranted in a couple of days.  I am sick and tired of people constantly being idiots. All. The. Time.  There are a few( I will not mention names) in almost all of my classes, who are just...so clueless.  It just makes me wonder....how in the world they became like that.  I suppose it can be credited to the music that they listen to, the stuff they've been smoking, or just media itself thats so... in lack of a better word, crappy for the most part.

ohhh.....SUPPAH TIME!

CUIDADO! Llama!!!!!

<3Julia

Lord, give me strength.  I have had just about enough of this fuckin' break.  Seriously, I absolutely will not tolerate another minute with my parents....they're driving me insane.

I'm not feeling so good at the moment, perhaps it was that giant brownie I ate a couple of hours ago.  I honeslty have to stop overeating and eating healthier.....a lot.   I'm lucky I'm tall, because if I wasn't, I would be a giant ball of fat.

I know I'm not generally a musical type person, but I've really been listening to a lot of musicals lately.  I'm anything but a fanatic...but I'm starting to get more interested in that area.

I've been a kind of a slump this past week.  I haven't really wanted to do much of anything lately.  I know one of my biggest flaws is procrastination...but It's been really bad this week.   I honestly need to get off of my fat butt and do something for once.  The den needs cleaning again..perhaps I'll do that.  I feel quite OCDish about cleaning the den...I've done it  at least once a week for 5 weeks straight now...it NEVER stays clean, because thats where most of the traffic is.

Speaking of traffic...I'm not looking forward to driving anytime soon.  The people that drive around here, for the most part, are maniacs.  Quite a few of them haven't even heard of a turn signal, a lot of them tailgate like there's no tomorrow, they cut people off, and act like it's the other person's fault...ect.  But honestly, I don't know why I'm complaining....its New York.  I must say that the people up here are almost as bad as NYC drivers.  I know from plenty of experiance it the car with my parents.  Since my mom grew up next to the city on the island, she learned how to deal with road hogs...she's very patient with drivers that lack sanity.  I know I won't be, no matter how hard I try.  I will be a good driver....just not one tolerant  of the mentally insane drivers out there. You'll probably see me on the news "Crazed teenage driver dukes it out with alledged tailgater"  I can see it now....

Julia

Last night was the band concert......and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think it was the first time I actually had fun playing music in jazz band. Partially because I got to play Blues Bros(love love love LOVE the movie).....and partially because I actually wore sunglasses.....:)

Concert band was amazing....I put my all into the music, and felt every emotion we were portraying deeply.  I let loose every single ounce of anger, betrayal, and sadness into Epinicion....and I felt great afterward...And Flok Dances was just a blast.....every single wierd analogy I wrote on  the music...including "breadlines...oppresion...Happy villiage people....and STALIN!!!" came to life when we played it.

I talked to my parents after it...when it comes to how music should sound...they're pretty old fashioned....they didn't really like epinicion much....but the really liked folk dances...But I think they didn't really understand...like most of us in the band did....

What can I say...they're parents.....non-musical to boot

Julia

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

.....tee hee